I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
