Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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