If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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