Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
