i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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