She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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