I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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