my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
