I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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