You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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