If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we made out on top of his cat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
