He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
