thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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