I haven't been this sober since birth.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
