She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
