apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
