3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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