A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
