i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
