i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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