i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Randomize
