people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
