Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
