I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
