You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
