were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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