Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We're facebook friends in real life
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
