I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
