Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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