I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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