I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
handjob tips. give me some.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
