I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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