i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
