I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
