farters have to be the big spoon...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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