Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
