just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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