Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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