Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
