God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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