I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
