I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
a search helicopter?!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
