it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
