laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
