Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
