He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
