All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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