Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
