im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
