if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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