I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
